dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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