please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This house was built for laser tag.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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