I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
