smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
