Can i not drive my cunt home
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
