I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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