Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I would fuck him just for his dog
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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