so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
