I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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