Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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