Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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