OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
