kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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