"it" just moved
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
