He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
