I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just want nice things and good sex
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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