and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize