there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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