Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
