Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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