Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
