I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
