Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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