I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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