I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
