she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
