I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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