I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
