I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
we're so committed to being not committed
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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