I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
