I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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