This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
