Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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