i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
