you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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