after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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