hotel room ftw
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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