My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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