Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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