I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
