32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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