Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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