Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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