She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
