if you like me you must not know who I am
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
