EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
