First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
