currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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