Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
