finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
