you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Randomize
