Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Randomize
