Will you blow on my dice?
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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