My liver just broke up with me...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I have aggressive nipples.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
