my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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