haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
