You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
