I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
