At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
so that wasnt chicken after all
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
