I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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