Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
