cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
