dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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