i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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